Not a Commercial Guy

on quitting, and not quitting

I think I’ve been assisting enough commercial photoshoots to know that I probably won’t be selling my soul to the corporate devil. Plenty of seasoned photographers in the commercial space would lose their brains if they heard me say this oh so confidently. They would lecture that it’s in my best financial interest to keep my doors open. I can’t argue with that; there’s a ton of money and opportunity in commercial. But I really just don’t want to do it.

In January of 2020 (no, this isn’t a COVID story), I embarked on my first internship in New York City (yes, it got cut short because of COVID). I was 19 years old and still experiencing the grasp of childhood separation anxiety. I was terrified and really wondered why the hell I took an internship so far away from home. This is the same “darn you past Hatsue” feeling I get when I book 3 shoots in one day. My mom came along with me to New York to help me settle into my 10 square foot bedroom for the first couple of days before starting work.

To summarize this arrival day:

9am Land at LGA.

10:30am Walk around the financial district, 2 suitcases in hand, failing to find my building.

10:35am-10:45 Cry while standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Very cartoon-ish head towards the sky and mouth wide open kind of cry.

11am Settle into apartment.

12pm Get Chinese food.

1:30pm Wander around the city.

6pm Cry in Union Square Whole Foods cafeteria.

8pm Cry in bedroom.

10pm Cry while trying to fall asleep.

Thankfully, my tear ducts never dehydrated; much crying had to be accomplished that day. That first cry, standing in the middle of a random sidewalk in the middle of a foreign city, felt so desperate and pitiful. It was a cry that couldn’t be stopped. My mom lovingly said to me, “You can just quit. If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to.” This might seem like bad advice in the face of a “life-changing” internship.

This way of working as a freelance photographer means figuring out how to make it work for you. I sometimes feel envious of people becoming nurses or teachers; it’s a clear path, and you know exactly what you need to do to get where you want to go. Where do I want to go? I have a general idea, but there could be a million different paths towards that. This stresses me out a lot. I love what I do, but god I sure want to quit sometimes. Or maybe I don’t… I know that I can. I can easily quit and do something else, right…But I love what I do and I have so many ideas that I need to pursue and I can’t imagine doing anything else...especially with all this freedom I have with freelancing. And working with people is so fun and learning about more things in the community is so rewarding. Wait, is my mom a genius? Did she straight up reverse psychology me into being stronger and more determined in my path?

I hold onto her words whenever I face something I’m unsure of. It reminds me that nothing is too serious. If something is not for me, then find another way. Every day, I feel encouraged to pursue projects that make me feel filled with creativity and community. That semester in New York helped me realize that I definitely didn’t want to be a graphic designer. Even though I was in school for design, I found another way to make it help my path towards being a photographer. And now, I don’t want to be a commercial photographer. So I won’t be. And I will find other opportunities for growth, and networking, and building a community around me so that this job and this life are fulfilling and creative. Thanks, Mom.

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